The Bummer Beginning
by Patchboy Stitchface
Summary: This story as a completely random shot at a parody. I did not try desperately to add sense to it, but rather simply took the idea by Lemony Snicket and stupidly bent it as I pressed my keys upon the keyboard. Warning, it's filled with innuendo.
1. Scandal

The Veudaflaires sat eagerly in their cozy leather seats, while Mr. Hoe whispered busily to the accountant on the other side of the shiny marble desk.

The Veudaflaires were to be sent to live with their new guardian, whom of which that had never met. But having watched the people on their parents "adult" movies, they knew that the other people out there had to be absolutely mesmerizing.

Their parents had passed away a week ago, on Christmas Day. They had joyfully blessed their youngest daughter Runny with a shiny new razorblade to suck on. After a few moment of bloody harmony, Sunny had lashed out at her parents, taking them both out with a single swipe. Straight through their bellies.

Mr. Hoe had arrived at their doorstep to take them away a few minutes later, while Blouse (the middle boy child) was busy reading the code on his father's shaven forehead, and Amulet (the eldest girl) was busy creating a fashionable catapult using only her parents intestines and eyelids.

That brought them here, after a joyous adventure upon a glorious police blimp filled with campfire songs and popcorn.

Mr. Hoe and the female accountant disappeared behind the counter.

"I simply cannot withhold my incredible excitement for shaking the hand of our new guardian." Whispered Runny, blabbering something which probably meant "I like the suck on guardians."

Amulet flipped Runny's razor our of her frilly dress and began to slide it slowly up and down her pale face. "Blouse, do you think we shall enjoy the time spent with our new parent?"

Blouse nodded his head and flipped his black bangs from his eyes. "Oh yes. I'm sure he will have plenty for us to do." He smiled and snatched the razor from his sister, taking his turn. "For you, Amulet, he'll have plenty of things for you to invent, rub, and create. For me, I can't wait to read the messages hidden all over him. And for Runny, surely he must have something to suck on."

Amulet Vaudeflaire smiled at her brother. "Golly, Blouse, you sure know what to say to cheer up a lonely girl like me. I simply cannot wait to meet our new flesh and bloody guardian."

Blouse smiled in return. "Anything for you, Amulet."

And, for a moment's peace, the three siblings fell onto each other's laps and shared an incredible, intense moment of peace as they stared lovingly at each other's nostrils.

Before they knew it, they were all fast asleep.


	2. Bathrobes and Babies

Mr. Hoe soon returned wearing a delectable violet bathrobe.

"Oh, Mr. Hoe." Violet cried, straightening her purple dress and wiping the scarlet body fluids from off of her chin. "Are you ready to take us away?"

"I can take you anywhere you like, Ammy." he whispered.

Blouse lifted Runny up from the leather couch and clenched her in his flexible arms. "Who is our new guardian? Have you ever met him, Mr. Hoe?"

"I have met him many times, little boy. He was my favourite back in my hyperactive days. He is very rich."

"Oh, how absolutely marvelous. I can't wait to get my young fingers onto his shiny golden coins." Rambling something which probably meant, "I like to suck on Hoes. Garden hoes."

Blouse rubbed Runny's belly. "Well, let us be off."

Amulet rubbed the coffee bean amulet around her neck. "Yes, let's."

Mr. Hoe threw of his bathrobe and guided the children to his gorgeous police blimp, which was waiting patiently in the girl's washroom. Amulet made a quick pit stop to do something in the stalls.

The journey away was even more pleasant than the ride to the bank, a joyful experience filled bird blood, whipped cream, and a strange sour fluid that Blouse found secreting from Amulet's palm.

"Here we are." Mr. Hoe cried, placing Runny on the floor, and rubbing the fluffy cleft on his freshly shaven chin.

Amulet gripped Blouse. "Oh, we're here!"

Blouse gripped Amulet. "I cannot wait to read him!"

Runny switched the hidden blade out of her young, fleshy wrist and began to suck upon its tender blade.

The Hoe and the three children sang funny little songs that they'd heard on the television after midnight as the blimp landed.


	3. Polaugh

Mr. Hoe guided the children to the front door, which was startlingly shaped similar to that of a heart, or Runny's head. He reached forward quickly, and with an elegant curl of his fat fist, rattled his knuckles against the hard wood.

Immediately the door swung open.

There stood a man, tall and thinner than a Q-tip, his large mop of grey hair spilling over his ears. His large beady eyes glared down at Amulet, just below the neck.

"Hello there, beautifuls!" he cried, his long lips flapping like flags in the gentle breeze.

Amulet lurched forward to hug her new guardian with the biggest hug she could ever invent. She was immediately brushed aside by Blouse, who immediately pressed his fingers against his contacts. He was pushed aside by Runny, who immediately pulled up the man's pants and began to suck upon the excess skin sagging from his knee. All three of the children were thrown aside by Mr. Hoe, who thrust his hands upon the Man's face.

"Polaugh!" he yelled. "How I've missed your presence!"

Two of Runny's teeth remained in Polaugh's swollen knee, and Amulet struggled to wipe Runny's blood lips with her face.

"How unfortunate." Runny muttered to her siblings, who were kneeling with her, "I've lost my canines. Already I feel that our time spent with this new guardian shall be very unfortunate indeed." This probably meant something along the lines of "I crave the touch of Mr. Hoe."

Blouse rose up to stare into Polaugh's face. "Hello, sir. I'm your Blouse." He held out his hand to be shook.

Polaugh clasped his hands to his cheeks. "How marvelous! I've always wanted a Blouse of my own. And this Amulet will go perfectly with you!"

"What about I, Polaugh?" Asked Runny, "What do I go with?"

"What an ugly baby." Snarled Polaugh. "Speaks more gibberish than my bunions." He lifted Runny by the scruff of her neck. "You simply will not do."

And with that, he immediately curled his boney fist and began punching Runny in the face.

"Oh dear." Blouse whispered to Amulet, who was brushing her hair, her arm hair, "He did not shake my hand. Mr. Hoe is right. This is going to be a very unfortunate time indeed."


	4. A Lucious Start

Count Polaugh and Mr. Hoe disappeared into the room upstairs.

"Oh, how delightful!" cried Amulet as she danced around the entryway, flailing her luscious arms.

Blouse licked his luscious lips. "Oh, indeed, it is nice to have a guardian for the first time in our life."

"Excuse me, my luscious siblings, but you have forgotten of our parents, it seems, already." Runny patted her luscious belly, exclaiming this which probably meant, "Where has my luscious Mr. Hoe gone off to now?"

Amulet darted over to the luscious bowl of spaghetti which sat upon the table. It was filled with shining silver tongs, small intricate bolts, and a silver string of wire. Amulet clasped her luscious cheeks. "Oh my!," she shouted, "these spaghetti noodles will create an_ incredible_ cage from which we can hang Runny high up in a tower, where if we displease our guardian, he can send a message to his luscious partner who, after receiving the signal of a walky talky, can send our luscious baby sister to her surely gory and unpleasant death below!"

"Amulet, Amulet. That was a dreadful run on sentence." Runny scorned, "And besides, surely our pleasant guardian Polaugh would never even consider doing such a dreadful thing to his brand new daughter after she had just experienced such a horrible ordeal with her previous parents, who died a savage death, so I am horribly ashamed to hear you speak such nonsense." This probably meant something along the luscious lines of, "MR. HOE!"

Blouse nodded and began to decode the luscious message engraved in his knee by his late parents.

Amulet turned to her siblings with a large, smoke-sputtering device. "Never fear, my friends, this spaghetti was just the thing I needed. Now, we can begin to work on cleaning this place up, as preparation for when I can spend my luscious fortune on purchasing an addition."

The three children laughed merrily, clutching their bellies. They were completely unaware of the blood, mucus, and saliva spewing horribly from their nostrils.


	5. Cleaning

The next day came in a flash, after a night filled with cream, slushies, sensitive quivers, eraser dust, and Hoe.

Count Polaugh rubbed up against Amulet. "So, my luscious bosom bag, I overheard you declare you were planning on cleaning up my house."

Amulet nodded excitedly. "Yes, of course. We need to prepare for when I spend my entire fortune. Now give me a second to undress."

Count Polaugh stared. "Amulet, you must understand. I want you, not your fortune."

Blouse crawled out from under Polaugh's elegant bathrobe. "I want your body's fortune."

Mr. Hoe entered the room with an unconscious Runny. "Whoo. Anyways stay up all night last night?

"

Everyone nodded. "I did indeed stay up top all night." Blouse added.

The entire group burst into a sensitive giggle and took turns stroking each other' thighs.

"Well, let the cleaning begin now." Mr. Hoe smirked seductively, "I just happened to refill my batch of homemade soap this morning."

"Oh dear. That soap smells awful." An awakened Runny frowned, mumbling something which probably meant, "Keep your hand there, Mr. Hoe."

And so the marvellous cleaning spree began. Each member of the bunch enjoyed watching each other's elegant up and down movements, as they brushed their sponges up and down the yellow stained walls.

"Blouse," Amulet added, as she ran her sponge up and down her brother's spine. "I heard there is a marvellous bar next door. We should go visit there today."

"And indeed we shall. As soon as Mr. Hoe returns with Runny."

And so, Count Polaugh, Amulet, and Blouse continued to splash around in the creamy fluids until Mr. Hoe returned with Runny.


	6. The Bar

Amulet tore off her nightgown, pulled down the blinds, slammed the door, and hopped onto her bed.

This is how things went every morning, when it was time to get dressed. Amulet had always decided that the beginning of the day should be incredibly exhilarating, before it was time to eat some milky breakfast.

Blouse burst in. "Wakey, wakey, those look fakey!"

Amulet giggled and clipped on her morning bra. "Save your humour for the bar, silly Blouse. Speaking of which, where is Runny?"

Runny came crawling in, her lips dripping with whiteness.

"I love cheerios, but only when the bowl is overflowing with milk." This probably meant something along the lines of, "I'm in the mood for some more milk, direct from the source. Mr. Hoe's source."

Blouse helped Amulet adjust her dress, and patted her bosoms. The two shared a luscious moment of smiles, laughs, and flashes of skin.

The next moment, the three siblings were out of the house, after playing a quick game of 'You-Can-Only-Leave-If-You-Pleasure-The-Guardian.' They gave the bar door a quick knock, not with their fists.

A chubby naked person, nor prominently female or male in any way, answered the door. It wore only fishnet pantyhose and length of yarn over its shoulder. After playing another game similar to the one they played before leaving their home, they were finally allowed in.

"The best part is upstairs." Amulet bounced, taking Blouse's hand and darting up the stairs with him. "There's these magical women that say they can answer you're every wish. Like a fairy godmother!"

"Oh, my siblings." Runny declared, "They are not magical, they're whores." This probably meant, "I'd be a whore for Mr. Hoe any day."

And so, the day continued off in this fashion, every costumer downstairs listening to Runny tell her stories about her seductive adventures with Mr. Hoe. Meanwhile, upstairs, Blouse and Amulet, unable to encounter a godmother to speak with them, had resulted to playing games with each other.

They all returned home, Amulet and Blouse absolutely soggy and clenching a sleeping (or unconscious, it didn't matter) Runny in their arms.


	7. The Story Begins

Count Polaugh returned with Mr. Hoe, their hands cuffed tightly in between each others sweaty sticks. The sticks protruding from their palms. Their fingers. Runny, Amulet, and Bloude ran over to the two of them, pulling up their shirts and flashing their scars from the bar.

"Don't ask me how the wounds healed so fast, to leave scars behind. Maybe there's some healing powers in the bartender's…"

She was interrupted by Runny's awakening moans.

"Well, golly." Sniffled Mr. Hoe, speaking the first words he had spoken for a while, but still straining to regain his voice after rapid use of his voice box. "It's honey Runny bunny. Runny, honey buns? Honey on my buns, Runny honey bunny?"

"Runny needs a break, dearest whore." Amulet clutched her bosoms. "She did a lot of drinking at the bar. Drinking, drinking, swallowing, down-the-throat…"

"…fluids." Blouse finished.

The two ended the conversation with a midnight jiggy dance, despite the fact midnight was still far off. Midnight was never far off in the house of Mr. Polaugh.

"So, Amulet." Polaugh jumped in, wrapping his arm around his eldest child. "I need to discuss your fortune with you. I don't suppose…"  
Amulet rested her head in her hand, elbow against her pillow. "You want it? I can't have it until I'm a woman."

"Are you a woman yet? Can I make you one?"

"No, no. Don't worry about that. My father taught me to be a woman back when I was just a young girl. It's just that, I need to wait until I'm 18."

"You're not 18 yet?"

"Well, I should be. You know how many people I've sent to jail?"  
The conversation ended abruptly, with Polaugh proposing to Amulet under the sheets. Amulet simply had to refuse, her heart belonged elsewhere. But Polaugh simply woudn't have this nonsense. He slapped his flabby neck skins and unleashed the wickedest laugh he could condure.  
And the two were engaged by morning.


End file.
